Things I Should Have Taught My Sons

Here's a re-post of a blog entry from 2008 from Ron Edmondson's blog.

Everyone's aware of the fairly recent phenomenon of the Bucket List, "the things I want to do before I die"...and I have to admit I have spent some time thinking about what mine would be.

But the simple (and arguably more practical) premise of his post is "the things I want my boys to know, but I don’t think I ever taught them". Man, does that hit me between the eyes!

With my oldest now out of the house and on his own, I'm finding there are quite a few of these in my own life...even though I started consciously enacting the principles of my blog with him from the age of 10. It is all the more practical for me to make this list since I still have two younger boys in the home.

Take the time and come up with your own list...I know I will.

7 Things I Should Have Taught My Sons

The Communication Game

Christmas is a few days away and I can guarantee you there will be board games under our tree. How about you? Do you take the time to slow down and play a board game with the kids?

Here's a board game that is specifically designed for dads and daughters. From the publisher:

If you talk to your children now, chances are they'll talk to you later. The Communication Game a is a fun game that makes it easy for fathers and daughters to communicate with each other on "father-daughter" outings via a fun, casual "you ask, I answer" format...

The game is designed for fathers with daughers' age 10 or higher, but many fathers have played with daughters much younger. The game was invented over ten years ago by a father who was looking for a way to stay in touch with his daugter after being separated by divorce.

Awards:
2009 Teachers Choice Awards for the family by Learning Magazine
2008 National Parenting Publications Awards
2007 Game of the Year Award by Creative Child Magazine

The Communication Game - The Father Daugther Communication Game & Learning Tool.

At Amazon

Dad's Deep Divide

So the summer is long gone now, but I just found this article about Michael Phelps. I kept on wondering as I watched his record-setting performance this summer why only his mom and sisters were there to cheer him on, with no dad in the picture. Now I know.

How sad that this young man has records and fame, but lacks the one thing he probably wants more than anything else: the approval of his father.

"This is his world, and I'm just watching him travel through it," Fred [Phelps] told the Baltimore Sun in a 2004 interview. "People ask me how he's doing, where he's swimming next, and it's hard to say that I don't know."

Our sons may never reach this level of notoriety...but no matter what course they take , may it never be the case that we check out of their lives. It is our duty to make sure the divide does not remain.

DAD'S DEEP DIVIDE WITH SWIM KING MICHAEL PHELPS - New York Post

Resolved

Recently a question came up about how much of my "early days" to share with my oldest son. I didn't become a Christian until I was 27, so there were plenty of years where I lived a worldly life.

As questions come up about girls, music, drinking, drugs, etc. I have to use discretion about what to share and what not to. In the past, I have been very open with him...in fact I started to feel that I was maybe being too open. I didn't have a principle on which to base my decision about what to share.

Thankfully, this short article from Fathers.com made me consider an excellent point:

don’t share your past unless you’ve resolved it

Through God's mercy I have resolved all much of my past, see it for what it is, and have come to terms with it. Now I can warn my children about my mistakes, give them a Biblical explanation/alternative, and help them avoid the same pitfalls.

Check out the entire (short) article here:

Raising Self-Controlled Sons

Love and Respect

I have not read the book or been to the conference, but just a glance at the website and watching a couple of the videos makes me think this might be worthwhile...kind of reminds me of a Christian version of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (which I investigated prior to becoming a Christian and have come to find out is very new-agey).


Love and Respect - Presented by Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs

Building Honesty and Honor in Your Teen’s Life

Having a teen in the home necessitates constant vigilance to prevent the cultural norms of lying, anger, manipulation, and rebellion from creeping in. Will your teen demonstrate these behaviors and worse at times? Of course! But the quesiton is, will they become an accepted part of their life, or will you as the parent maintain a standard that does not accept those behaviors as normal in your family?

It is not always easy, and the onslaught of challenges sometimes seems overwhelming.

Here's a short article that reminds us of six simple steps to maintaining and even restoring that much needed standard.

LifeWay: Biblical Solutions for Life -
6 Steps to Building Honesty and Honor in Your Teen’s Life

I Am Husband (too)

I've heard it said that a new blog is created every half second...but I'd venture to guess that a very small percentage are by guys blogging about loving their wives.



Believe it or not, that's just what the new blog iamhusband.com is about.

Men are, by nature, forgetful creatures. We get settled into our routines and often forget that there is anything else going on in the world. As husbands we can forget that the "anything else" is often "someone else" and we end up hurting the feelings of the one we love most. Our marriage goes stale and we're not even quite sure what happened.

Check it out at: http://www.iamhusband.com/

Eye Contact

Eye contact is one of the most powerful means we have to express our feelings to our children. But men aren't always very good at it with their kids. Dads need to make a conscious effort to look at their children in a loving, positive way. Fathers can tend to sort of gaze at nothing, almost looking through things during a deep soul-to-soul conversation...

Even if the child is in the midst of misbehavior, we can still make pleasant eye contact with that child. It's something we can do continuously. Eye contact is a way to keep your child's emotional tank full of unconditional love. The parent looks into the eyes of the child while the child is looking back. It's very simple, but boy is it complex in the child's brain.

Christian Storytelling

Telling your kids stories is a great way to impart lessons to them. Storytelling as a narrative technique is a powerful way to communicate the truth of God's word. While most anyone can tell a story, there is a real art and technique to storytelling.

Check out this website for some resources for developing storytelling skills, a growing list of Christian Storytellers across the nation, and a monthly free story:

Christian Storytelling.com

The Blessing

John Trent and Gary Smalley have taught and written about The Blessing for almost thirty years. On their website you’ll find tools and encouragement to help you understanding this powerful biblical concept, as well as pass the Blessing down to your loved ones.

[this] best-selling book offers a fresh, updated look at the life-changing gift the Bible calls “the blessing.” Many of us—perhaps unknowingly—spend a lifetime striving for this acceptance. The unconditional love and approval that comes with the blessing is an important element of our self-esteem and emotional well-being.

In The Blessing, Dr. John Trent tells of his search to receive the blessing from his father and the new insight—and deeper blessing—he received from God as he sought to pick up the pieces of his shattered dream. And Gary Smalley expands the concept of the blessing to include eight ways to bless adult children. “I never realized how powerful—and how necessary—the blessing has become to my older children until now. So if you have older children who have moved away from home, they’re never out-of-reach of the blessing.”

The Blessing is a powerful book no family should be without. Within its pages, readers will find solid, practical advice on how to be a blessing as well as how to insure that your parents, spouse, and children all feel the security of family approval.

The Blessing

Rephrase the Praise

I'm going through the RMDK video training series right now at my church and loving it. This week's assignment was to tell my sons I am proud of them for specific traits. While this may seem easy at face value, even the way you give encouragement has a profound affect on your kids.

Here's a little article from FamilyEducation.com with some thoughts on how you can phrase your encouragement for maximum benefit:

Rephrase the Praise

So why are these so-called experts lining up (once again) to rain on your parenting parade?

For starters, because -- despite your best intentions -- you're telling your children that they are great because of what they do, not because of who they are.

And, because they are human beings, not human doings, our praise needs to reflect that.

The Importance of Family Dinners

Here is an interesting study from The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University. Some very interesting statistics to mull over, but the thing that stood out the most to me was this observation:

What They Want at the Table is You
This year’s report finds that 84 percent of teens prefer to have dinner with their families rather than eat alone. Eighty-one percent of 16- and 17-year olds also prefer to dine with their families. Of those teens who have less than three family dinners per week, 62 percent say they would prefer to eat with their families compared to 92 percent of teens who have at least five family dinners per week.

The Importance of Family Dinners IV

The Media Rules

Ok, that title is a play on words...but now that we are halfway through the month of September under our "media blackout" (see this post) I have realized how in many ways media has ruled our home.

There really aren't that many TV shows that we watched, but when you add in movies, electronic gadgets, and computer use...the total time spent in media entertainment has been arguably much higher than it should be.

After we get through September and the "no media" restrictions are lifted, we are going to put some stronger guidelines in place than we have in the past. Here is a good set of rules that I plan to use as a starting point, with the underlying mandate being:

We use electronic media and games only to promote family welfare, never to work against it.

Media Rules

Letters from Dad

The Letters from Dad curriculum and product line is based on the profound question:

If God were to take you home today... what would your wife and children hold in their hands tomorrow that would let them know that they were the treasures of your life?

Founder and President Greg Vaughn took the sadness he felt after his dad passed away and he realized "I did not possess even a signature of my father" and turned it into a ministry to help dads.

You are invited on a journey... a journey to leave a legacy of Faith, Hope and Love through the lost art of letter writing.

Weekend to Remember

Weekend to Remember is a weekend marriage conference held by FamilyLife that teaches God's design for marriage and family. The environment is fun, non-threatening, and sometimes hilarious. And it's a wonderful time for couples to refresh good marriages or heal troubled ones. There are over 150 conferences in cities all across the U.S. each year. Registration is open to individuals, couples, or groups. Whether you're engaged, newlywed, or remarried, enrich your marriage and begin a godly legacy for your family by attending a conference in a city near you.

Weekend to Remember

The Story Game

Taking time off this summer? Turn off the tv during the evenings and try a fun family activity. Here's one that will...

Bring people together, inspire mirth and make life-long memories. With The Story Game in hand, you'll bring your family reunion, vacation travel time, or company party to life with funny, light-hearted and touching stories.

The Story Game

Say Goodbye to Whining...

Look this book up on Amazon and you will be overcome by the hype! The reality is that the book has a great perspective and several good pointers for restoring honor to your household....but don't expect an "out-of-the-box system" that will fix all the problems you are facing.

I enjoyed the book and was able to extract many ideas and tips that I could use in my family. Also included are a few family time activities. However, if you are looking to this book to present an easy, fail-proof system you will be disappointed. I am learning over time that nothing replaces the hard work of parenting your kids with consistent, loving correction.

Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids
Author:	Scott Turansky, Joanne Miller
Publisher:	WaterBrook Press
ISBN:	0877883548
Genre:	Religion & Spirituality/Christianity
Recommended:	Yes
Score:	7 out of 10

Rescuing the Drowning Marriage -- Stuart Scott

Recently Dr. Stuart Scott spoke at our church about Biblical counseling for marriage problems. I have been wanting to check out his book The Exemplary Husband for awhile but have not had a chance yet.

In the meantime here are some study notes from one of his conference appearances. Looks to have some interesting points, verses, and diagrams:

Rescuing the Drowning Marriage -- Stuart Scott

Pocket Mod

The PocketMod is a small book with content on each page that is meant to be used as a cool little personal productivity tool. Page templates, combined with a unique folding style, enable a normal piece of paper to become the ultimate note card.

I have found it is great for making "fun booklets" for my kids as well. The PocketMod builder at this site has templates for kids games, or you can download the "PDF to PocketMod Converter" to turn anything you want to tell your kids into a mini-book.

It is hard to describe just how incredibly useful the PocketMod is. It's best that you just dive in and create one.

http://www.pocketmod.com/

The Five Love Languages

If you have never come across this before, this is a very interesting approach to communication in relationships. Well known author Gary Chapman postulates that love can be expressed in one of five ways and each of us have a preferred way.

According to Mr. Chapman, conflict and miscommunication can be caused when you are trying to show others your love language instead of theirs.

This site offers an introduction to the languages as well as some fun little quizzes to help you determine your love language.

I have found these concepts very useful in my own life.

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com